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First world problems

January 27, 2013

I’m afraid of things I love too much. Loving something mind, body, and soul means you’re so much more vulnerable to getting hurt if things don’t work out. And when you love something, you put it so high on a pedestal, that the rest of the world pales in comparison.

Am I talking about a boy? Nope. My job.

I love love love Love LOVE my job. Seriously, when I tell people what I do for a living, the unanimous reaction is: “That is the PERFECT job for you. I can’t think of a better fit!” And it really is the perfect job for me. So naturally, I’m terrified of losing it.

I try to tell myself that this an irrational fear, that I’m an essential member of a (relatively) thriving organization, and that if things go south for the company, it’s unlikely that mine is a branch that will be cut. But the fact that I am part of a struggling industry and have a few Chicken Little co-workers sometimes make me feel that my fears are totally justified.

So then I get a little panicky about my job security, which makes me ultra-motivated to be so so so good at my job that no one would ever dream of asking me to leave. This sounds like a good thing, right? Well, no, because I have a ridiculous reaction to ambition. I have such an all-or-nothing mentality that when I decide to do something, I want to do it 100% or not at all. Rather than just settling for being good-enough at my job, I want to be the best at everything. I will be the best editor; I will catch every grammatical mistake; I will write amazing articles; I will revolutionize our social media presence; I will have the most efficient scheduling system; I will never mis-prioritize things; I will be friends with everyone at the office; I will attend workshops and seminars and networking events; I will never forget anything or procrastinate; I will know the ins and outs of all aspects of the company so I will never be without an answer; I will work on weekends; I will come up with incredibly successful contests; and I will have an enviable wardrobe and always look like a chic and capable professional. And then this snowballs into the other arenas of my life. Since I’m doing all that I might as well stick to a workout schedule, always clean my room, never leave food wrappers in my car,  have my checkbook balanced, never go above my budget, cook every meal (local and clean, of course), have a rich extracurricular life, make sure my library books are never over-due, have my horse always behave and accomplish amazing things all the time, and do the dishes every day.

This will never happen, clearly. But I look at that list, realize I’ll never be able to accomplish it, shut down, and go blank. Instead of taking baby steps towards improving my abilities, I adopt a ‘what’s the point’ attitude and spend potentially productive non-work hours watching Hulu.

I need to stop whining, get the F over myself, and start DOING.

Like I said, First World problems.

One Comment leave one →
  1. February 1, 2013 2:18 pm

    I’m so identifying with you here. I’m playing “my little pony” all day for an excellent trainer. I decided to impress her with my excellent horsemanship skills via ducking in front of a horse just as he was lifting his head, to shave some time off my prep skills. You know. That spot No Real Horse Person would ever stand in? Because its dangerous, and we all know that? I have definitely impressed her with my beautiful black eye…

    It really is Iike a bad date crush….

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