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I like my job too much

October 23, 2012

You know how you’re an intelligent, witty, fully capable, and totally articulate person…until you have to talk to your crush? And then you become a flailing, muttering mess that laughs to loudly and makes weirdly jerky eye contact? That’s me at work.

I love my job. Really really love my job. To the point where I have exalted it to crush status. I want so badly to communicate my affection and demonstrate my belonging, that I end up doing to exact opposite. My interactions totally belie my skill. I really am a great fit for this job, but I’m afraid that my efforts to please and do my job well get interpreted in exactly the wrong ways because I present them just like a spastic teenage girl would to the guy she was like majorly crushing on. Even if I’m doing a fantastic job, my contributions won’t resonate with my co-workers and bosses if I continue to interact and communicate so awkwardly. As a communication major, it was drilled into my head that what you say often isn’t as important as how you say it. You could have a pile of doctorates and a book deal, but if you have a habit of speaking entirely in non sequiturs when you’re nervous (not totally speaking from experience), none of that intelligence or skill gets communicated. You are perceived only as much as you present yourself.

Basically, I really like my job. I want to prove that I belong there. So I put unnecessary pressure on myself. Which is compounded by my fear of disappointing people. So I artificially raise the stakes way too high. Which makes me nervous. Which makes me awkward. Which makes me totally mis-communicate my ability to handle my job. Which makes me stress even more. Which further exacerbates the awkwardness.

First world, white girl problems: I like my job too much.

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