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I need to start doing…

October 2, 2011

I am a terminal procrastinator.

The second something becomes meaningful and important, something I have to do, it automatically becomes an undesirable task and gets shoved to the end of the to-do list. Even if its something I enjoy doing, the second I have to do it, I tend to avoid the task like the plague.

It’s a terrible, terrible habit. It becomes especially difficult to cope with when I have a whole bunch to accomplish in multiple areas of my life. The chores keep piling up and I keep ignoring them until the whole thing becomes too overwhelming to healthfully cope with. I know what I should do to keep things from becoming unmanageable; I should set aside a day to write down a master to-do list, then prioritize my tasks and slowly start chipping away at things until they become doable. But do I do that? No. My MO is to ignore them, turn my back, or hide in a corner and close my eyes and hope that they resolve themselves on their own. Do they ever? Rarely. Instead, it all comes crashing down on me in a big, suffocating, overwhelming wave.

Why the hell do I do this to myself? Why do I turn off my phone, not check my email, and push my homework and bills into a corner? It would be so much easier if I just took care of things as they came to me instead of letting everything pile up. I think I have a massive fear of failure. I’m afraid to risk the chance that I’ll find out I can’t actually do everything on my list. I’m afraid I’ll start doing the things on my list like a good grown up and learn that I don’t have enough money to pay the electricity, or don’t have enough time to work a second job, or don’t have the intelligence to do well in a particular class. If I never confront the list, then I can operate under the delusion that everything can get done………..at some point. If I never confront the list then I never have to face the fact that I actually have bitten off more than I can chew and will have to make unhappy sacrifices. This is a ridiculous mentality….

….and a very maudlin post. I really am a happy person, I swear. I’m just bitter that my best friend is moving away :(. The world just seems a little overwhelming right now without my right hand with me on the front lines.

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