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This is it

August 15, 2011

So it’s now the end of August and I have (again) failed at recording my experiences at the ranch. Unfortunately, this summer has not met my expectations and has fallen short of my previous experiences. I don’t know if it’s a function of having worked here for so long, of just getting older, or of the various particulars from this summer season; regardless of the reason, this just wasn’t my summer. Despite all that, I’m still absolutely heartsick over leaving.  Even as I write this, I’m holding in choked sobs at the prospect of leaving in a few short days. It is only now just registering that my fourth summer at the ranch is ending; and everything I do this week will be a last. In spite of this season’s disappointments, I will no doubt be crying my way down the driveway on Saturday.

I’m trying to console myself. I tell myself that it’s better to end on this note; if I had another fantastic summer, I might torture myself with questions of whether or not to return for a fifth summer. At least this way, I have to acknowledge that this job DOES have a lifespan, and my tenure as a wrangler has come to its natural end. Still, leaving here represents the closing of a wonderful chapter in my life. However, the allure and promise of life’s next chapter is exciting. As sad as I am to leave the ranch, I’m thrilled to be returning to Fort Collins. I’m eagerly anticipating the opportunities and adventures that wait for me there:  new classes, old friends, good bars, quality horses, gardens, chickens,  a new house!  Besides, I’ll be back. Perhaps never again in the capacity of a wrangler, but certainly as a family friend and guest. It’s not as if I’ll never see the ranch or my ranch friends again………but it won’t be the same, will it?

 

Ugh, I was hoping writing a little here would help me impact the complicated emotions I have about leaving the ranch. I still feel simultaneously gut punched and elated when I think about leaving.

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