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Grad school ruins ego, sanity, and exercise plans

March 25, 2011

I just turned in the most embarrassing essay of my academic career. I say that about most every paper I write, but I mean it this time. Worst. Essay. Ever. No cohesive structure, nary a cogent thought, nix on any thesis statement. I just never hit my stride with this paper. Usually, papers present a struggle in the beginning but I’ll catch my momentum eventually. Not this time. Every sentence was painful. My lack of focus was only compounded by life’s other stressors and a nagging cold. Ugh. I only vaguely gestured toward the prompt. The rest was some ungodly mess of misquotes and run-on sentences.  As I was driving towards class, I thought about orchestrating a little car accident; surely the loss of mobility and some internal bleeding would be better than unleashing this paper on my poor, undeserving professor. This is how bad the essay was: I made it to the front door of class, had a minor panic attack, gave the paper to a classmate to turn in for me, and walked away. I couldn’t look my professor in the eyes and turn the paper in. It’s THAT bad.

I can’t even console myself with what I used to tell myself in undergrad; that “this one paper isn’t going to make or break you….in the grand scheme of things, it’s just one paper”. But now, it’s one paper that will be read by THE DEPARTMENT CHAIR. The Department Chair that wields the power of the Almighty Letter of Recommendation. The Department Chair that can make a few phone calls and get me an interview for any teaching position in the state. So yeah, this one paper could make or break me. I’m hoping that the professor, who is familiar with my better work, will acknowledge that this was just an off paper. pleaseohpleaseohplease

Oh well, nothing I can do it about it now. It’s out of my hands. And with this paper out of the way, I’m done with all my smaller assignments. Nothing due until the end of the semester. Granted, I still have to write 60 pages between now and then……..*whimper*

In other news, the seeds we started indoors are doing great, 25 chicks are headed this way, and summer is on the horizon!

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