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January 8, 2011

Again, I suck at actually writing in this.

I’m still in the midst of this awful quarter life crisis  inspired prolonged panic attack. The whole: What am I doing? Why am I doing it? Who am I doing it for? Where should I be doing it? Do I even want to do it? Am I doing it right?  The type of self questioning that persuades you to spend hours in the self-help section of book stores and has you alternating between crying jags and binge eating and running so hard and fast that you want to throw up.

I just feel immobile. Lost. I need to find something but I don’t know what I’m looking for. .

It feels like everything is contingent on achieving something that I can’t quite figure out. And I’m embarrassed and angry at myself for not being bigger than this. I shouldn’t be this weak, damnit.

I’ve tired myself out writing just that little bit. I’m going to crawl into bed and hope I feel better after a nap.

I’m nothing if not resilient and delusional.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. January 8, 2011 7:23 pm

    Right there with you girl, except I think I’m having a 1/3 life crisis. I haven’t figured out how to stop asking those questions or what the answers are, except for having a vague sense that I should be “chasing happiness.” Of course, where to find it, how to get there, and what it actually is completely escapes me right now.

    But I totally get what you’re feeling. I feel the same way right now. I cleaned my apartment rrrrreally well. And I accidentally body clipped my horse today. (Started with trimming his whiskers, 2 hours later he was fully clipped. Oops.) That cheered me up a bit. Probably some deep-seeded control issues there, but whatever. It made me feel better. For a day. Naps are good too!

    Hopefully you and I will figure these things out and our blogs will become beacons of light for other lost souls. Maybe? Here’s hoping.

    • goamwat permalink*
      January 8, 2011 9:38 pm

      Here’s hoping indeed.

      Sorry you’re also feeling the weight of these impossible questions. Though misery loves company.

      The most frustrating thing I hear is “do what makes you happy” or “follow your dreams”. I would, if I could pinpoint what they are. I know I like cats, napping, and horses. Now I just need to figure out how to reconcile those into a lucrative career….

      I don’t know what I would do without horses. I might not know what the hell I’m doing with my life, but goshdangit, I can ride a 20m circle and find a good spot.

      Day by day I guess. Maybe some sort of small goals? Daily meditations? Yoga? Surely there’s something out there I can focus on before I get lost in all this vague but overwhelming………overwhelmingness.

      • John permalink
        January 9, 2011 6:03 am

        I think a lot of us here and in places like this do many things similarly in terms of lifestyles, careers, etc., – – I live in what sounds to me to be a similar environment; and we could probably have fun together riding the 20 mile loop. My young horse is about ready for that, and riding one of the trusted, older horses is just too routine, too safe for those circles all the time.

        I think I understand why someone might be temporarily confused or lost in terms of finding the longer-term path amid overwhelmingness – there are tons of choices and way too many inputs these days, IMHO. And we are all there at one time or another.

        What I don’t quite understand, or maybe what I’m not seeing here that’s always been part of my mantra that I feel has served me well, I guess, is how a person can be guided more by additional principles of living. Not just living in a balanced way, doing what we feel drives us, etc., but making a difference, sticking to tough things, standing where you are, etc. and understanding by doing that that it’s a good thing, is rewarding in itself, even the simplest things and helping others, that we’re growing and becoming better as a result – fulfillment. With the idea that the path of life is indefinite and full of turns. Permeate our language with these additional thoughts that I bet you already have, and pretty soon they’re part and parcel with everything, and voila. Not always easy to do, but it works.

        Please, please don’t misunderstand this as criticism; it’s meant as extension of discussion, and in a positive way. I fully understand that everyone here and nearby has a good conscience, can read, is aware – I’m saying maybe add a few more of your ideas and words to your repertoire and the rest might fall into place.

        Studying and grad school have always been tough, as well as finding your way in life. But – and as hackneyed as it is – the journey really is the fun part, no matter the destination.

        Time to go out and feed the horses and cows, check on the surprise calf born three weeks ago. Hope he runs around for me again this morning, putting on that calf show. He’s gonna’ have so many tricks to show the Spring calves that’ll be born in a few months!

  2. January 13, 2011 11:17 pm

    Do what makes you happy? Those words could get you shot if said in my direction. I feel like the questions you are asking, which also happen to be the questions of my own after mid-life crisis, are Circle of Hell questions.

    Some days I just have to get up, and meet my goal, which quite possibly could be “Get Up in The Morning”. Nice to be a success in the first 30 seconds of the day. Now I can go back to bed.

    Do men do this? Ask themselves these why, wherefore, when, how “purpose” questions, or is it just women? Frankly, I’m having a stomp-my-foot moment of protest against The Journey is The Fun Part. (no disrespect to previous commentator – just where I am)

    There are days the Journey is SO NOT the fun part, and I would like very much to wallow in some destination arrival. Can I arrive now? Maybe a week of wallowing in my purpose? All journey and no arrival makes Jane a very cranky girl.

    If I can manage goal #1 (get up) then I’m on to goal #2: find one thing to laugh at self about. There’s tons of other goals, usually set by other people, that I need to meet, but I have to keep my own pretty basic. Hang in there. It might not get better, exactly? But it’s certain to get different.

  3. January 25, 2011 1:52 pm

    Hi, I have an award for you on my blog. I featured you as a recently discovered blog. Huzzah!

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