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*warning* silly rant below

March 28, 2009

I need to preface this entry by saying that the thing I hate the most, after regret and doubt, is not being included. I can’t stand it. I do no like to be only peripherally involved in things. If it doesn’t matter to me, then oh well. I have no problem not going to clubs with the girls, or drinking all night at a party, and whatnot. But if its something I want to do…I want to do it with everything I have. I don’t like to half ass involve myself in something. I want to be there for the creation of the inside joke….not the girl who wishes she was. What I really can’t stand is listening to other people talk about doing things that I wanted to do, and could have done, but didn’t. I hate missing out.

So…I had basically convinced myself that going back to California was both necessary and good. Some of the reasons still sounded hollow, but I was still ready to be back in California for a month. Then dinner happened. And at this dinner was…let’s call them Bob and Janet. Bob and Janet are big names in a small town. They are in the roping club, horseman’s club, rodeo club, cattle club, etc. If you’re on their good side, they will give you access to things you would otherwise only be able to participate in as a spectator. They are generous with their time, resources, horses, and important people strings. Being in with them would allow me to really take advantage of all the things this place has to offer. To be INVOLVED instead of just WATCH. Their group is like the popular clique for those of us that like rodeos, boots, spurs, and dirt….except without the cattiness and drama. They are people you want, nay, need to know. I want to hang out with the cool kids. As it is, I only sporadically spend time with them due to my crappy work schedule. I haven’t had the opportunity to impress upon them how badly I want to be involved in the things they’re involved in.

I have no clue why I just spent a paragraph praising them, other than the say that their opinion matters to me, because they hold to the key to doing a lot of things I want to do.

Anyways, at the end of dinner I tell them goodbye until May. I guess they hadn’t heard that I was leaving because the response I got was “WHAT?! You can’t leave! That’s crazy and stupid. You can’t be gone for April. That’s when all the fun happens. That’s when we start roping and going to rodeos. Even your friend will be riding! Even your room mate will be riding! You’ll be MISING OUT ON SO MUCH!”

Thanks. Thanks Bob and Janet for validating and affirming the one fear I had hoped was silly. Now I know that I’ll have to suffer through stories about things that happened while I wasn’t there. I’ll have to hear them swap laughs about that runaway cow, and when the horse took off. And it might limit what I can accomplish this summer. Without the April prep, I might not even get to rodeo, or gymkhana, or help out with the roping club. By the time May rolls around, they’ll be so entrenched with work and play and whatnot, that they’ll only be able to work with those that had been there at the inception of the activities. Tough luck to the latecomers. But we’ll get to watch and clap.

I’m hoping I’m wrong. I’m hoping one month won’t make a difference. But Bob and Janet really impressed upon me that it made all the difference in the world. I’m hoping that I’m being overly dramatic…after all, its just one month in the course of a lifetime. But who knows what ramifications this absentee month could have?

I’m going to be an unhappy camper if I have to watch my friends go off to ride in the rodeos because “Sorry Lauren, they practiced all through April. You weren’t here and it’s too late to change that….but hey, we need a cheerleader.”

I’m being silly.

And I don’t know if I’m more upset because I think that being in California will ruin my chance of fun in Colorado, or if thinking about what I’m missing in Colorado will ruin my chance of fun in California.

I need to go back, but I don’t necessarily want to. I wish I did. It would make life easier. I’m afraid that now I’ll just spend every day wishing I was in Colorado…with my dirt roads and countless stars and friends and horses and open space. Instead of in my suburban hellhole where I keep busy just to pass the time until I can go back to Colorado…where I’ll end up bitter and upset because I’ll have lost my chance to do the things I wanted to do and now have to hear about other people who did.

I’m silly. I know that once I’m in California it won’t matter that much, but in the meantime, it’s just one more thing that makes leaving Colorado even harder.

Thanks again Bob and Janet.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. March 28, 2009 10:22 pm

    Just a thought: If it’s happening in CO in April, it’s probably happening in CA. Bet you could catch ride or work with someone in CA for the month. Who knows, maybe you’ll go back and knock all their socks off. Wouldn’t that be sweet!

  2. April 5, 2009 2:23 pm

    Behind in my reading here, been a busy few days on my quiet mountain, finally catchin up and read this post.
    See, you write well, so it’s always a pleasure to read what you what you write, even if it is “just ranting.” But also, what you have to say, we all can relate to in one way or another. So, in a way, through your stories, we all understand.
    Please remember, that yes, you have to make choices, but you can do and be anything you want. Keep your focus, and do the right thing. You’ll move mountains…

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